Then there was Howie

A few years after Shane died, Ryan was finally getting to the point where he could go hang out with friends and have fun. One night his friends came to pick him up and go to Howie's house (out in the country) to play pool and hang out.

The next morning I was awakened to Ryan crumpled over on the stairs with a living room full of teenage boys. Ryan was crying that Howie got shot and died. They had all spent the night at the hospital.

It also happened to be the morning of the Oklahoma City bombing. What in the heck is happening in this world?

Evidentally, a deranged, drunken father of a girl from their school showed up at midnight, forced his way into Howie's home, held a gun to his forehead and pulled the trigger. Mistaken identity. He was looking for another one of their friends. He chased my son through the house like an animal while Ryan pleaded for his life. The shooter didn't shoot Ryan.

We had to go through not one, but two trials. If none of you have ever been involved in a murder, when we got to court (which was many miles away each day), there were 16" x 20" enlargements of Howie's face with a black hole in his forehead on display throughout the entire 4 day trial.

Surreal. I finally learned what that word means. I sat there in a courtroom out in the country hills looking at a man who tried to kill my son, and did kill his best friend, Howie.

It was a few years later when my uncle, Phil, died and we had to go to the funeral. Uncle Phil was Ryan's father image. Phil and Ryan were very close, and Ryan had as much as any 19 year old could take. His brother, his best friend, his father figure. Ryan sat next to me for the longest time and then disappeared into the men's room. I convinced him to come out and we'll go home.

A few year's later Ryan went to the cemetary to join his brother and his friend. He told me once that he wished that shooter had of just killed him, too, right there that night with Howie.

Even though I think of my boys every single day of the year, today my precious Ryan left this world 11 years ago today. God rest his soul. I love you, Ryan.

Some years when the boys' birthdays come around I do pretty good at saying a prayer and moving along through the day. Other years, like today, I wake up remembering what a beautiful day this was 35 years ago when my baby boy, Ryan, came into my world. And I feel sad. And I can't seem to pull myself out of it. Even by making fun plans for this afternoon with my little man, I still just want to go crawl back into bed under the covers. And so it goes. Oh, I know, after this many years one would think I'm used to celebrating the boys' birthdates without them. One would think wrong. God bless my boys in Heaven, and please give me strength to make it through yet another special day without my precious boys. Amen.

Happy July 4th!

This is one of the holidays I miss my boys the most. The family getting together, picnics full of food, parades, and fun blowing up little toys.  I don't, however, miss the day full of nail-biting praying that they stay safe from fireworks. In that respect, it was one of a mother's worst days.

I only pray now that Shane and Ryan see the beautiful celebration of fireworks from the best viewing spot in the Heavens, and that they watch out for all the little people and keep them safe from harm.

God bless my boys, and God bless the USA.

I love you, boys.